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02 February 2011 @ 09:11 pm
After working on the Dermatillomania (compulsive skin picking) documentary for over a year and a half, the trailer is out! Please share this in other online communities you are involved in, and to anyone. I want this video to go viral for the people who need to see it. Thank you!

My facebook page is: http://www.facebook.com/pages/FOREVER-MARKED-A-Dermatillomania-Diary-by-Nova-Scotian-author-A-Hartlin/177738602694
Mood: excitedexcited
02 December 2010 @ 02:46 pm
Hi everyone!

Emmy award winning company Pie Town Productions is currently in the final stages of casting for a documentary about individuals diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. We are committed to bringing more awareness and understanding to this often misunderstood disorder.

We’re looking to interview BDD sufferers willing to share their story with us for this taping.

Financial compensation is available to those who participate in our project.

If you would like more information about our company, feel free to visit our website at www.pietown.tv


28 August 2010 @ 12:08 am
 I wish that we were just spirits, not existing in physical form. I had really bad BDD when I was younge, I rarely left my house. I sometimes fall into it.

I hate beauty. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I want to be as beautiful as I can, but I also want to disfigure myself at the same time. I hate the guessing. I hate how beauty is subjective. I hate having to guess if a guy staring at me is analyzing my uglyness or taken by my beauty. It reminds me of Invisible Monsters "I wanted the everyday reassurance of being mutilated. The way a crippled deformed birth-defected disfigured girl can drive her car with the windows open and not care how the wind makes her hair look, that's the kind of freedom I was after."

For years, I've off-and-on isolated myself. I'm returning to school. Too much attention makes my illness return, even though it's positive, I become infatuated and obsessed with looks to the point where I make horrible decisions just to gain validation. It doesn't make sense does it? You'd think it would make me feel good, and confident...but the act of trying to keep up what they see makes me sick again. It makes me feel like my face changes whenever I go out. That one day I'm beautiful and the next I'm hideous. That I won't be able to keep up the illusion. Any attention to my appearance makes the monster return. I feel most comfortable in a huge hoodie and beanie. Hiding from everyone. But I can't, because it's summer.

Positive or negative attention...it's all the same...a compliment makes my illness return as quickly as an insult. though it hasn't been negative since I was a pre-teen. To others, I know that I'm quite attractive, but the monster comes back. A few days ago, I looked in the mirror and my face literally changed before my eyes. I felt hideous at one second and wanted to cry and then morphed into a beauty. How can this happen? Is my mind so sick? What will happen when I get older and the attention wanes? Will I fall into myself and self-desruct completely? It disturbs me.

Dear LJ Community,
The recruitment for our self injury study is now complete.
Thank you for your support of our research. Please feel free to email me with any questions you may have.
~Tatyana Kholodkov
Graduate Student
Old Dominion University 


08 July 2010 @ 08:31 pm
 So I've just begun speaking about my core issue (my looks) with my therapist. When I told her....well she was awkward. And then it didn't get better....she just said, "well maybe we should focus on your body." Or "you have to choose if you want to keep focusing on this." This has led me to a little more of a depression. She pretty much reacted like anyone else would have. And now I am hopelessly hopeless. Have you shared your feelings with a therapist? If so what have they done or said?? Did it help you at all? Please I'd love to hear from people that have gone through this in therapy as well. 
27 June 2010 @ 11:49 pm

Since I was an itsy child I've always been pretty intelligent. My family never let me forget it either (I've always been know as the smart kid). Well a lot has changed these past 5 years. This was when I was a junior in high school and my friends and I took up smoking pot. NOT a good idea for someone who's always been insecure about their looks. The paranoia that came out of times lighting up was unsurmountable. I still get flashes of moments where my friends were just looking and laughing at me. It makes me want to roll in a ball and die. Not much has changed since then other than I don't hang out with anyone and I don't attend college on campus nor have a job. Pretty much I'm home ALL the time. 

Has it driven me crazy, no not until now. Because I always think I'm in here for a reason. But I am utterly sick of being in this body and having such a baggage to carry around at all times. I get it I'm ugly...why do people stare?!?! I also get it fully when anyone that talks to me WILL touch their face. I know it droops a little on one side and my nose is crooked and quite piggish. It makes things that much easier (not). Writing that out brings the pain in and now I think I'm done with this post. None of you have seen me so, none of you could tell me that I'm wrong or right. My point is if you were in here you'd feel just the same. I am utterly hopeless. 

Do any of you experience people touching their faces when looking at you? Or worst staring in awe?

30 May 2010 @ 08:41 pm
I dont know if i have BDD or not (ie, not diagnosed), but the people i've spoken to have all said that yes, they think i do have it.

Im 28. My husband asked me to point out women who look like what i see. The women i point out are in their late 40's/ early 50's. According to my husband they are significantly heavier than me. My nose is huge and crooked, and my face looks totally different from either side. I dont believe any hair colour suits me, and i dont like to go out in company without makeup on (and even then i still think i look hideous)

The only photos i can tolerate are ones i either take myself (and i'll often take hundreds of pictures- almost identical pose- just to find the one i find "acceptable") or ones where i've carefully instructed the photographer how to take the picture. I never thought that was abnormal, my Mum is the same way about photos. 

I used to suffer from eating disorders, but they're under control these days (mostly binge eating, bulimic tendancies and compulsive overeating), but the body image stuff still stays with me.

It's wrecking my life, im anxious about going out because i think people are commenting on my appearance... im supposed to be going into therapy but im a bit stumped about how to ask for it (i see a shrink because i also have bipolar), i tried asking my shrink and he just said that he did think i should be in therapy and left it at that. I'll get it sorted eventually, but i guess i just needed to talk about this somewhere people understand these sorts of things. I
08 May 2010 @ 08:05 am
That I no longer like my body. Nope in fact, I think I hate it. It makes me very sad when I see a mirror. I used to be thin. Not bones sticking out thin but not swollen. I am constantly bloated because of my gastro intestinal problems. I can't just eat what I want anymore because if I'm not careful, I will be throwing up. Even when I go without eating, I still am bloated. I cut back on soda's and it didn't help. I used to weigh 130 now I'm in the 140's. I only eat small meals twice a day. I won't let myself eat more than that. When I first got sick, I dropped down to almost 120 and my belly was so flat and beautiful. Now it's just a disgusting pudge. It's so gross to me that when me and my boyfriend are being romantic, I refuse to remove my shirt. :( I used to love food, now it's the enemy.

Mood: depresseddepressed
23 April 2010 @ 09:58 pm
I get to a point where I think I'm getting somewhat better and then someone just has to make a comment about how I look. I know he he was joking, but now I can't stop thinking about it.

Mood: melancholymelancholy
Music: Annie Lennox - Shining Light