I'm new to this, I just need people to talk to who are going through the same thing. I was diagnosed with BDD 9 years ago (when I was 17), but truthfully, I think I've had it all my life. From childhood, I spent hours staring in the mirror obsessing that my eyes were too small, my nose and ears were too big, picking at teeny blemishes on my skin until I'd be crying. I've suffered from bulimia, anorexia and EDNOS and now I'm starting to obsess over my weight again. I got REALLY chunky in the 2-3 years before I got pregnant and then during pregnancy everybody commented on how big I was (which was just fucking great!). The pregnancy weight fell off quite quickly and I dieted and exercised, but now I can't stop. I'm only just heavy enough for my height, but I weigh myself 3-4 times a day. If I overeat one day, I vow to starve myself the next and have to tell the little voice in my head saying "go throw up" to shut up. I obsess over my body and sometimes people don't understand that you genuinely HATE how you look, which makes you feel worse. It's that horrible sinking feeling when you walk through the cake aisle in the supermarket and know that you can't eat any of it and wearing old clothes because the thought of going into a shop and trying things on makes you start to hyperventilate!
It's so frustrating when people think that BDD sufferers are just attention seekers! BDD sufferers are 45 times more likely to commit suicide than non-sufferers and I've taken a few deliberate overdoses of paracetamol (not for 3 and a half years, but there have been about 7) and I used to self-harm. It also scares me that my low self-esteem and twisted body image could rub off on my little girl and she'll grow up suffering from eating disorders and not realising how beautiful she is.
Thanks anybody who read this, I just really need to talk to people going through the same thing x
Sooooo me, the person with ALL these major fucking issues, gets a job at a drug & alcohol treatment center dealing with people with all these major fucking issues...yeaaaaa. Go figure! Wtf is wrong with me?!!!
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Working graveyard at a treatment facility alone and its quiet as a mouse and there's no work to be done...no one to talk to...gonna be a looooooong night...
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So I finally figured out why I haven't gotten any comments on my posts, I was only posting to my own journal by accident, duh. Hopefully now someone will actually see what I've been writing. LOL .....
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Basically, since fourth grade I have struggled with acne. It's difficult to differentiate between the severity of my acne and that of others, because I am not ignorant to the fact that my BDD heavily influences my opinion / exaggerates it sometimes. However, it's been pointed out by others on numerous occasions, and those words stuck with me for years. Although I recognize that it has drastically improved over the past five years or so, I still feel the same about people viewing my skin...if not WORSE. When I have asked my friends / family, they deny being able to see any marks whatsoever (aside from very slight blemishes). Although this puts my anxiety at bay...for about half a second...I feel as if I am failing every time I ask them how my skin appears. I feel this way because I ask them dozens of times per week and I know it probably drives them a little bananas. But to me, it's critical. I feel as if my day revolves around how my skin appears when I first see it in the morning. I constantly leave my register at work to inspect my skin in the bathroom mirrors, I re-do my makeup whenever possible to cover up my acne spots, and I can't STAND being in fluorescent lighting / bright, sunny days. I feel as if I am under a magnifying glass and it's terrible. I feel such an adrenaline rush, but in a negative, awful way. You know that feeling you get when you narrowly avoid a car accident or some other terrible event? And you feel on edge and panicky and buzzing with energy, even after you realize that there's no reason to be feeling this way? That's how I feel....all the time.
And the worst part is, no one takes me seriously. Everyone thinks I'm being vain or superficial, but they just don't understand the horror that I deal with every single day. I feel as if they were to feel the way that I do...for even a minute, they couldn't handle it. & I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I just feel so overwhelmed and disgusted and misunderstood that I constantly want to cry.
The only person who seems to "get" me, is my boyfriend. We have been together for two years and he is the most absolutely wonderful man. He understands my habits and my routines and reminds me to stop picking (I pick at my skin without even realizing it) and lets me know that he thinks I'm beautiful constantly. We sat down and read "The Broken Mirror" together and I showed him specific passages / excerpts that closely related to how I feel on a daily basis. I appreciate his concern and his efforts...so so so much. However, I wish that I could just accept his compliments without immediately negating them or sometimes getting angry with him because he doesn't perceive me the way that I perceive myself. I just jump to the conclusion that he's a fool for not seeing me for the monster that I really am, and then I feel guilty later for shutting him down so harshly when he's only trying to help.
I really need some advice here. It's not just my skin, it's my body in general and it's getting so horrific (my BDD) that it's interfering with my work, school, relationship etc. These are supposed to be the BEST years of my life, yet my disorder is ruining them! I can hardly focus at school (my 4.0 is spiraling down and quickly!), I leave work early because I feel as if my customers are mocking me when they comment on my appearance and I am not being a pleasant, caring girlfriend like my boyfriend deserves, because I am so fixated on my problem. Does anyone feel this way?! Is there anything I can do to possibly feel better?! :(
I'm new to this community and after reading many posts, I can see that I'm not alone. I came to this community for the support and advice of others like myself. I am currently untreated, as my insurance will not cover any therapy or counceling.
I am coming to realize that the most problematic issue with my BDD at the time is being intimate with my husband. I have been with him for nearly 5 years and the last 2-3, I have had severe intimacy problems. I rarely, if ever, let him see me without clothes, as I am so disgusted with my body. I'm at the end of my rope. The whole time, I am thinking about how repulsive and disfigured my body is. I can't get it out of my head. I don't want to give up trying to be intimate, but I'm constantly thinking that he is seeing all of the things that I hate about myself. Logically, I know this isn't the case, but in the moment I feel like the ugliest person on the face of the Earth and he is noticing every little disgusting detail. It has come to a point where, not only am I stressed out about my thoughts and feelings, but I am stressing out my husband. I keep letting him "try" and in turn, he feels like he is taking advantage of me because I am so resistant. I am so terrified of him seeing me naked, I often cry even if he sees me change my clothes. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone else experience this? Are there any tips or tricks to turn off those thoughts when being intimate? Anything to make intimacy a little easier? Thank you all in advance!