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15 October 2014 @ 08:39 pm
So today I um.....I want to talk about my BDD. And I like that there's a community to specifically talk about this, because usually I'm worrying more about my panic attacks or my OCD to even notice what's going on with this disorder. I know that my BDD is so severe that when I was naked with another guy the other day, I was so insecure about how I thought he would think of my body that I had a panic attack that lasted a whole day. I think I need to spend more time exposing myself to the world without makeup. I also need to take more photos, in order to get more comfortable with myself. And I need to stop obsessing over food, because you can only be so healthy. I think my anxiety from my mom being gone is causing me more paranoia than usual. I still think I'm ugly without any makeup, but if I at least have some cover-up and eyebrow enhancer, then I feel pretty good. That's a lot better than I used to be, so I've made some progress.
 
 
Location: parents house
Mood: hopefulhopeful
Music: soundtrack to 65 Red Roses
 
 
 
16 April 2013 @ 11:50 pm
Hi everybody,

I'm new to this, I just need people to talk to who are going through the same thing. I was diagnosed with BDD 9 years ago (when I was 17), but truthfully, I think I've had it all my life. From childhood, I spent hours staring in the mirror obsessing that my eyes were too small, my nose and ears were too big, picking at teeny blemishes on my skin until I'd be crying. I've suffered from bulimia, anorexia and EDNOS and now I'm starting to obsess over my weight again. I got REALLY chunky in the 2-3 years before I got pregnant and then during pregnancy everybody commented on how big I was (which was just fucking great!). The pregnancy weight fell off quite quickly and I dieted and exercised, but now I can't stop. I'm only just heavy enough for my height, but I weigh myself 3-4 times a day. If I overeat one day, I vow to starve myself the next and have to tell the little voice in my head saying "go throw up" to shut up. I obsess over my body and sometimes people don't understand that you genuinely HATE how you look, which makes you feel worse. It's that horrible sinking feeling when you walk through the cake aisle in the supermarket and know that you can't eat any of it and wearing old clothes because the thought of going into a shop and trying things on makes you start to hyperventilate!
It's so frustrating when people think that BDD sufferers are just attention seekers! BDD sufferers are 45 times more likely to commit suicide than non-sufferers and I've taken a few deliberate overdoses of paracetamol (not for 3 and a half years, but there have been about 7) and I used to self-harm. It also scares me that my low self-esteem and twisted body image could rub off on my little girl and she'll grow up suffering from eating disorders and not realising how beautiful she is.
Thanks anybody who read this, I just really need to talk to people going through the same thing x
 
 
24 February 2013 @ 01:25 am

Sooooo me, the person with ALL these major fucking issues, gets a job at a drug & alcohol treatment center dealing with people with all these major fucking issues...yeaaaaa. Go figure! Wtf is wrong with me?!!!

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22 February 2013 @ 03:35 pm
Is it possible to have an anorexic mind? Like I fit the mental symptoms of anorexia, but I don't have anorexic tendencies. I don't starve myself or anything. idk if this makes any sense and I'm sorry if this isn't allowed. I really want to be severely underweight. I want to weigh 100 pounds. I'm 5'7 and according to my nutrisionist that isn't possible. idk. I'm dumb and I'm sorry if this is a stupid question.
 
 
Mood: fullfull
Music: Bright Eyes - Lua | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
 
11 February 2013 @ 12:13 am

Working graveyard at a treatment facility alone and its quiet as a mouse and there's no work to be done...no one to talk to...gonna be a looooooong night...

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03 February 2013 @ 01:05 am
Alright I just need some advice and input. When I look in mirrors, like bathroom mirrors, and I look at my face.. I see a bunch of really dry peely skin and it looks scarred and disgusting. Honestly when I look at it, I feel like is it even possible for anyone to have skin like this and I have never seen anyone with skin this bad. but When I look at myself in reflections that does not include mirrors, I do not see my skin this way. I don't know what to believe. It is possible that others don't see what I see? Does anyone ever think to themselves how it is even possible to look this way?
 
 
26 January 2013 @ 03:07 am

So I finally figured out why I haven't gotten any comments on my posts, I was only posting to my own journal by accident, duh. Hopefully now someone will actually see what I've been writing. LOL .....

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11 July 2012 @ 04:06 pm
 
Hello all! My name is Kayla and I am a twenty year old college student, who has suffered from BDD for the past twelve years. I am turning here, because I feel as if I don't have anywhere else to turn to. In describing my dilemma, I am hoping that I will discover others who relate to me & vice versa. Hopefully we will be able to swap advice & I will be able to help others as well. I'm not quite sure where to start, so I suppose I'll just jump right into it.

Basically, since fourth grade I have struggled with acne. It's difficult to differentiate between the severity of my acne and that of others, because I am not ignorant to the fact that my BDD heavily influences my opinion / exaggerates it sometimes. However, it's been pointed out by others on numerous occasions, and those words stuck with me for years. Although I recognize that it has drastically improved over the past five years or so, I still feel the same about people viewing my skin...if not WORSE. When I have asked my friends / family, they deny being able to see any marks whatsoever (aside from very slight blemishes). Although this puts my anxiety at bay...for about half a second...I feel as if I am failing every time I ask them how my skin appears. I feel this way because I ask them  dozens of times per week and I know it probably drives them a little bananas. But to me, it's critical. I feel as if my day revolves around how my skin appears when I first see it in the morning. I constantly leave my register at work to inspect my skin in the bathroom mirrors, I re-do my makeup whenever possible to cover up my acne spots, and I can't STAND being in fluorescent lighting / bright, sunny days. I feel as if I am under a magnifying glass and it's terrible. I feel such an adrenaline rush, but in a negative, awful way. You know that feeling you get when you narrowly avoid a car accident or some other terrible event? And you feel on edge and panicky and buzzing with energy, even after you realize that there's no reason to be feeling this way? That's how I feel....all the time.
And the worst part is, no one takes me seriously. Everyone thinks I'm being vain or superficial, but they just don't understand the horror that I deal with every single day. I feel as if they were to feel the way that I do...for even a minute, they couldn't handle it. & I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I just feel so overwhelmed and disgusted and misunderstood that I constantly want to cry. 
The only person who seems to "get" me, is my boyfriend. We have been together for two years and he is the most absolutely wonderful man. He understands my habits and my routines and reminds me to stop picking (I pick at my skin without even realizing it) and lets me know that he thinks I'm beautiful constantly. We sat down and read "The Broken Mirror" together and I showed him specific passages / excerpts that closely related to how I feel on a daily basis. I appreciate his concern and his efforts...so so so much. However, I wish that I could just accept his compliments without immediately negating them or sometimes getting angry with him because he doesn't perceive me the way that I perceive myself. I just jump to the conclusion that he's a fool for not seeing me for the monster that I really am, and then I feel guilty later for shutting him down so harshly when he's only trying to help. 
I really need some advice here. It's not just my skin, it's my body in general and it's getting so horrific (my BDD) that it's interfering with my work, school, relationship etc. These are supposed to be the BEST years of my life, yet my disorder is ruining them! I can hardly focus at school (my 4.0 is spiraling down and quickly!), I leave work early because I feel as if my customers are mocking me when they comment on my appearance and I am not being a pleasant, caring girlfriend like my boyfriend deserves, because I am so fixated on my problem. Does anyone feel this way?! Is there anything I can do to possibly feel better?! :( 
 
 
Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
 
 
18 July 2011 @ 08:00 am
Hello all,

I'm new to this community and after reading many posts, I can see that I'm not alone. I came to this community for the support and advice of others like myself. I am currently untreated, as my insurance will not cover any therapy or counceling.

I am coming to realize that the most problematic issue with my BDD at the time is being intimate with my husband. I have been with him for nearly 5 years and the last 2-3, I have had severe intimacy problems. I rarely, if ever, let him see me without clothes, as I am so disgusted with my body. I'm at the end of my rope. The whole time, I am thinking about how repulsive and disfigured my body is. I can't get it out of my head. I don't want to give up trying to be intimate, but I'm constantly thinking that he is seeing all of the things that I hate about myself. Logically, I know this isn't the case, but in the moment I feel like the ugliest person on the face of the Earth and he is noticing every little disgusting detail. It has come to a point where, not only am I stressed out about my thoughts and feelings, but I am stressing out my husband. I keep letting him "try" and in turn, he feels like he is taking advantage of me because I am so resistant. I am so terrified of him seeing me naked, I often cry even if he sees me change my clothes. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone else experience this? Are there any tips or tricks to turn off those thoughts when being intimate? Anything to make intimacy a little easier? Thank you all in advance!